hope?

Importantly -
I offered you the question.
You're shipping off, so I assumed it timely.

You replied and I learned,
never ask the ones you don't want answers to.

But -
it is imperative
that we catalog our lives
& know the distinction between
great loves
& ones who cared immensely.

this real BIG CAT just let himself in the front door
he's got stripes and just walked by me without saying hello.

i'm with maria.
maria has three frogs stuck in her throat.
we don't kiss, she bought a new comforter,
her dogs are BIG and we ate their dog treats- they were good.

i'm still in love with ryan
our sex is getting BAD.
which is so disappointing cause i though that streak wouldn't ever end.
i want to have his baby.
i'm not fucking around.

summer time!
i'm going on the road for 3 weeks.
collecting herbs for the first (and maybe stopping by YOUR town and surprising YOU so watch out)
and the second two weeks i'll be livin it up in my tent at RAINBOW gathering with the rainbow family of light and love!
no phone no sex no uh uh panic attacks (yeah right!)no kittens (shit) no cars no bras!

catch me i'll be trippin

lucy is looking out the window. the low window with uma's hand dyed goddess tapestry.
lucy is looking out the window, high on the tip of her half rabbit-cat feet.
franklin is pacing-ly making me nauseous.
i lit the lemongrass incense and it was free and i should have known that now the house is over-whelming.

i started bleeding today in this wave of tsunami like pain.
i thought without a doubt i was miscarrying i was between classes on the floor at josh and uma's crying while josh made my tonic.
raspberry leaves, oatstraw, crampbark, yarrow etc.
i drank it (it was so strong) and drifted off into heavy sleep.

i've been feeling like my new skin is developing quickly, without shedding my old.
i think i am constantly battling bad feelings.
i have learned how to be rational/easier on myself, i just have to do it a lot.

sometimes you go through these points where nothing seems exciting at the end of the day.
and you will make it through those times and a week will come where you can't contain.
this is all okay, right?

there is so much more i could say.
updates with the boy.
the farm house.
new tattoos.
trips i will be taking.
the way i've learned to wrap my hair.
funny moments teaching the kids.
a new date?

but i am tired!
first class was at 8 am today and i was up and down all night with pre blood cramping!

later? okay.

i got a beautiful new ohm tattoo!

this lovely boy j uprise! came over this evening for dinner.
he has a great radio show called "guerilla radio!" on the local channel around here.
he is very hip hop or something and i'm all damn baby damn damn.
meeting men has been coming easy like water the past month.

the house is cold but both the cats are sleeping it out
teaching is going really well, it is a super sweet job
i'm looking into educator positions at planned parenthoods across the country, i'm ready to get on outta here
i don't want to not move to the farm with uma & josh i just don't know if i am ready/ if that is who i am yet?
it is good to discover those things

beauty boy has been with his girl for days
i called it quits when he:

"i know i should leave but i don't want to leave you. i was thinking though and i don't think we can ever live together. but lets wait it out."

heartbreak! it means yr still alive
i can't escape! you my dreams, you my eyes
you don't have to take! that pill to be alive
were we a mistake? was i a comprimise?

cause i'll still be here tommorow baby

i can't wait. nervous love, i can't wait!!!!

new years was wonderful.
uma, josh and i spent all day cleaning and decorating and preparing our food for "team main dish".
team main dish vs. team appetizer was the food theme of the party.
the decor was "rocks and stones will break our bones and the collapse will only save us."
so we did beautiful low tables with fresh plants and wood and josh's crystal collection. only tealights please and at midnight we had a silent ten countdown a group ohm and bells. it was so beautiful i was so happy and calm and didn't mind when two gross boys dove at me with beards to kiss my cheek.


i got the job at planned parenthood and i have my first educators staff meeting on friday, i am going to the store to buy a binder and i am going to iron my skirt tonight.

i have been bartending at a place called happy dog, it is a cute small bar and good folk bands play there.

yesterday uma josh and i went out to oberlin to look at the farm house they want to make an offer on. it is huge! it has three different porches and a fireplace on each floor! it even has big basement rooms for their apothecary and the perfect basement screened patio for a greenhouse. there are two acres of woods behind the house and two acres of plot. a creek even goes through the woods! my bedroom would be small but there is a big tree right outside the window. i don't want to get too excited but i hope it works out.

ryan has been gone for two weeks, we've talked only once, i guess he is in the mountains someh were, whatever. i am proud of MYSELF. but i did tell the cats this morning, they were too far at the end of the bed, so i said "come here with me closer. i'm lonelyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy."

so life sounds good right?

i think i'm going to be pumping out three jobs pretty soon.

i have seven bite hickies on my left shoulder
and i could upload pictures of the boy that gave them to me
but its tacky to keep making people jealous of my lover.

honestly,
i'm free.

well, i just got out of the hospital.
i have pneumonia but it isn't so bad.

i have my interview at planned parenthood today which is really exciting and nerve racking. i don't really know what to expect and/or how to dress. it would be position as community sex educator, so going into cleveland public schools and teaching sex ed class. you may wonder, is leah qualified for that positon? i myself wonder this question but am pretty sure i could hack it.

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thats it.

so!

my community center C-SPACE (www.clevelandspace.org) is holding a silent art auction to help raise money for the upcoming year!

since i know so many amazing artists (chicago & mn) i was hoping some of you could send maybe just one peiece to be in the show! i will even reimburse you for the shipping. (claudia, i brag about you enough roll it up and send it out) you won't get the money from the piece but you will have a featured bio and a contact in our pamphlet and it is great cross country exposure.

corrie, kristen, claudia, amanda....come on!

awesome. email please if you are interested.

okandoinang@gmail.com

my body is so fucked up
i'm bleeding like my hearts being ripped open and my vagina is just a stomping ground

both those things are
true
both those things are
true

you better learn to start loving you
you better learn to start loving you

lucy and i wept on the floor together

and he sat silently sleeping
its like
you hit an age where you realize
sometimes just because you really love someone
it just won't work

this is the day of new beginnings
beginning with my ass going home
making tea
setting up my new house and learning how to fucking breathe.

i always feel like this

he brought me toilet paper this morning
i heard him at the front door and the cats were a choir of
"meow meow meooooooooooow mom"
and i came running down the stairs in my underwear (blue stripes)
and my thermal shirt (purple flowers) and big fuzzy boots
"goodmorning lovely!"
i'm so glad to see his face
not so puffy and healing well from surgery
"watch my cheeks"
he balloons them out and is laughing

him showing up in the morning is like ecstasy enough to get me through the day

and i wasn't scared asleep last night he called me at midnight
"i just got back from the trains tracks
i thought of you with the burlington and sante fe
go to sleep and i'll tell you something beautiful about the snow outside your window."

i love

i mean this action was kinda silly
and i look so chubby but look at my beautiful baby boy
i cannot even lay next to him sometimes
i scream and squeeze his butt.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
i wanna go crawl in there!

so anyway we are offical partners!
woo woo
except uhhh still polyamorous?
but he doesn't want to date other people
and doesn't want me to
but won't tell me not to
and is supportive
and won't promise me monogomy because he will let me down

what?
i don't know
he pushed me into my car wishing
"thank you for the heat and i love you"
and hearing that is enough.

he came over last night
because he was sick and i made him some vegan stew (1)
i will put numbers next to the things i do that should be considered paying him too much attention/giving him to much of my love

he tells me that i give him too much of my good energy
i hold my hand over his head shakra because i can feel him slowly sinking (2)
he says i need to be more emotionally defensive and take better are because he will hurt me
i get mad ferociously rubbing my hands together warming them for a hand massage to ride his tips of the bad toxins making him sick(3)
i roll onto him asking what it is

"i cant talk to you about it because it is about her"
i hand him the licorice tea, its too hot he holds it and i blow on it(4)
i want him to tell me
about the fights on the phone
why he is late
the situation
when she will back out

"i have hurt shanna, i am hurting katie & you are next"

we open a female condom and examine them
"why do you like sex so much?"
i want to tell him i don't and its just him but i mumble something about being liberated

all the lights are on and i crawl up his body telling it
"no more sick" and examining funny spots and kissing them better(5)

our heat is vibrating
he asks me to take my top off
he wants to suffocate in my breasts
i tell him he is sick
healing energy not sexual energy

we collapse in end
knowing that outside this room everything is a fucking wreck
that we are semi permanent and waning

but inside this room
we smell like sage and lavender
i oil his dreads as he falls to sleep
and when he is sound,
i braid teeth into his hair.

so "the other" woman is coming in one day
when she is here i don't call him
i don't show up
i try not to do much
except sit at home
tell myself i'm beautiful
& make him too many mixtapes

he came over last night to spend "a little bit, okay?" of time with me
when he showed up i was seeing ghosts all over the house
and fresh out of the shower damp & hot (ideal living conditions for: cockroach, mold and me)
scrubbed with ginger, sugar beet and lemon
opened the door he was bundled i was so much skin and he fell into my chest
that greasy hair (he has never washed any of the hairs on his head)
moisture in my chest, i love that feeling

i quietly walked him to the ghost spots and said
"we are coming!"
and explained my theory
NO okay NO my period did not come with the moon or after the moon or now
it has yet to come at all and i feel like a blocked showerhead or a stopped tub and i have so many things i will shout with joy with the pain cause i am ready for it to just come out
and i said "HIGHTENED INTUITION" and he said "PSEUDO SCIENCE" but really was supportive and laughed and said that i make the ghosts real

he was so much quieter than usual as we walked to the drop to do other people's laundry because we promised them we would
he held my hand in the basement
he held my side as i approached the stairs
he held me as we walked down the street
i asked the matter
he feels so down & so affectionate
i mind the first but i don't mind the second

so as we made it back to my house
we did usual lie between my legs and chat position
and i asked him to stay and he said "yes okay"
i touched his veiny arms
i squeezed them to say "oh goodness"
and instead said "those veins are bumpy"
so he rolled up my sleeves and we sat together in silence comparing arms
leah: "isn't it weird our veins are very the same and they take all the blood to our hands that are made to work the same"
ryan: "there is order to the universe, thats what people mean when they say god"
oh.

and we walked to bed
he fell asleep as i held him and read
kitties were safe on the end
one candle on to help him to sleep

he kissed me like he wanted to and we said a million goodnights

i watched him sleeping this morning when i woke up at 7 i jumped towards him like a hopper and then retreated off to work
happy his bike was still parked on the porch
and fucking dreading this weekend

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i'm excited for cleveland to meet minnesota in 2008, lucky kids.

edit: in 2007, it is next year, the convention isn't IN 2008 it is FOR 2008.
still exciting. "it only takes 1 person to blow up a bridge"! that was going to be our motto if we won.

also, ryan & i are considering a trip to chicago. is that okay?
i DON'T think he was completely wooed by the phone call but it was close.

i got the cycles of the moon tattooed across my chest
my cats are fucking insane
i think a ghost broke in through my window last night

looks like i CAN'T masturbate myself out of this funk

so go to him!

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here is to sincere hopes that they have or are currently printing a book titled,
"polyamory for dummies"
you know a yellow copy with black on it that kind of makes it look like cliffs notes
and its full of simple american/western ways of understanding a concept that we are so not born into or made up ourselves and it takes less then half hour to 'skim' and then we get it.

i have a feeling that i am going to need that book because i just don't understand how it works.
jealousy hops out of my left nostril onto my right shoulder and shakes her ass and her little hand goes into the air and is all
"i don't NEED some asshole, treating me shitty and talking to me like i don't deserve it."
the emphasis was his not mine
but it was 4 in the morning and i didn't even say that i just rolled over because i had to pee
and its hard to stop and have a conversation when i had already fallen asleep
during capote (which is good)
and then was woken up
"i'm going home"
"what? its 2:30 in the morning?"
"okay, go back to sleep"
an hour or so of rolling around pinching and grabbing and scratching and playing and then
the TALK
and my attitude isn't understandable?

it isn't that i am not happy when he isn't around
it is that i am so much calmer and life is a little more fcused when he is around

the sex,
it isn't about getting what i want.
and i told him that and thought about honestly hauling down the stairs
kittens in tow grabbing this stupid shitty laptop and reading everything i've ever written for him
and saying "THAT is what this is about"

but i didn't and he doesn't think she can handle polyamory
and thinks we created a relationship that isn't sustanable
and that he has two other women i didn't know about
and wants to give me what i want
but doesn't know how.


i'm going to the library.

nevermind
things will fall back into what they were
i will take it
you will
nevermind
recommit yourself
tell me you were happy to say all those
nevermind
the lies i told about being happy with what is what
and the phases

i will remember the
just one night
when you were really so happy
"i am so happy here"
"i make good vegan soup"
"no, i think its you"

and then we kissed over fighting between
the mango shake or the blueberry shake
and scrap metal
and the ferrets we found under the bridge
('you are annoying'
'it will help'
'singing to the ferrets isn't helping'
'leAHHH *his emphasis not mine* of course it will, yr being bratty'
'stupid boy'

and THEN
you smiled for her call
and we never discussed love again

i saw it in your eyes
the way you fell into my neck when you saw me
that i had you for one night